I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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