Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
