So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
