i need an iv and a liver transplant
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
