Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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