Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
