You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
