I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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