If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
