Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
