On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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