The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Your penis caused this!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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