Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
