you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
