My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
