then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
