well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
