M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
