So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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