we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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