It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
