I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
