Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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