I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
