Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
