My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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