WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Everything about him screamed your future.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
