She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
