When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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