I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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