Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You ruined the universe
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
