I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think im going to throw up on grandma
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
