I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize