drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
