just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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