They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
