i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
