you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I checked into jail on foursquare
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
