I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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