every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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