Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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