true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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