Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Actions speak louder than pants.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
