stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Randomize
