Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
