1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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