I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
