This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
