Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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