Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
