That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
