My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
