my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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