Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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