Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
