found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
