Cold hands, warm shart.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
