You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
