You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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