dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You have to summon your inner elephant
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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